I didn’t pray this morning. I didn’t meditate today. I felt irritable and frustrated with my son over issues of little consequence. I failed today.
Failure is something I’m used to running from. I’ve always hated disappointing people. Over the years I’ve put up defenses to avoid facing my failures. I’ve defended my actions, ignored criticism, and avoided situations where I knew I would fail – even when I knew failure was necessary for me to improve. As a simple example, I’ve tried to learn Korean for almost 10 years now and I’ve never quite reached a conversational level because I’ve been afraid to practice and make mistakes in front of people.
Finally near the end of the day I prayed in my desperation to not take out my irritation on my son anymore. Almost immediately I felt more calm. I felt held by God’s love and I remembered that God’s view of me does not change when I fail. God knows everything about me, including all my failures, and He loves me anyway.
Almost as soon as I remembered this truth another thought entered my mind. I thought that I must be trying to cover up my failures again by focusing on God’s love for me instead of what I had done.
I know that the only way I can face my failures with truth is to hold fast to an accurate picture of my identity. I am a sinful person who will fail. I am also a beloved child of God who is saved by grace through faith because of what Jesus has done for me.