I very rarely remember my dreams but last night I had a dream that has stuck with me all day. It was both convicting and disturbing.
The details are a bit fuzzy now but what I remember is that I was brought into a circle with a group of about 10 people, some of whom I knew and others I didn’t. I think the purpose of the group, at least at this point in the dream, was to discuss starting a Bible study together.
For some reason I don’t recall or understand, you had to be willing to die to join this group. It wasn’t just that you had to be willing, one of the group members would actually die. I remember that I wanted to be part of this group more than anything, but I couldn’t bring myself to join. I told the group I couldn’t risk dying and leaving my son. Everyone else chose to join. That was the end of my dream.
I’ve been thinking all day about what this dreams says about me. On the surface it seems like I made the right choice. Who would choose to join a group when the odds of dying are 1 in 10? What this dream brings up for me is my greatest fear. If I completely rest in Jesus what will He ask of me?
I’m afraid of both saying yes to anything Jesus asks of me and also of saying no. If I say yes, will I die? Will I lose my son or my family? If I say no, how can I face Jesus? How can I face my life and my death? Will I be left out? I said no in my dream – what does that say about my faith?
So where do I go from here? I turn to prayer. Asking Jesus what this means. Asking Him to give me the strength and courage to say yes when it counts. Asking Him to help me let go and rest and trust. And also I turn to the Bible. To continue reminding myself over and over again of who God is. Of His goodness and mercy and grace.